My mom and I, it’s always just been my mama and I. Mommy sounds too weird to say so I stuck with Mama. She kept a very worn-out, brown, leather wallet that smelled of mothballs when opened. She says Grandma passed it down to her and sensing that it will be mine someday as well, I bought my own wallet. My mom said that I could just pass it down to my kid and that I don’t really need to use it but just to keep it in my possession. And so I did. I kept it in a box and left it in an untouched corner in my closet, never to be opened or used until my mom’s funeral. That dark day, I had to accept her loss and fight the tears from blurring the letter on her will. The last thing she wrote was “check the wallet.”

Under a pile of dust, the preserved remains of the wallet emerged like a diamond in sand. The faded words of Bob Marley’s Don’t Worry, Be Happy engraved on the box made my skin prickle. Not today, Bob Marley. The strong smell of mothballs emanated from the unlidded box and there, resting with all its glory, was the tattered brown wallet that held more stories than I was aware of.

It felt raw in my hand, like sun-baked soil. If wisdom had a texture, then the wallet would be the wisdom of an ancient tree-bark. It’s weight on my hands challenged to pull me down to the past and the glorious smell of moth balls made me see stars.

I tried to stop my fingers from trembling. Why are they trembling? Stop shaking so much! Ok calm down, deep breath. With both hands on it, I pried it open. At first glance, 3 faded smiles greeted me upon opening. One I only know too well to be my mom’s, the second gave a hazy familiarity of my grandma’s and the third was a complete stranger to me but with eyes similar to mine. The frozen smiles in the pictures weren’t exactly the same smiles I know since my mom has a missing tooth, my grandma’s smile accompanied shining eyes which I rarely saw and my great grandpa’s smile intimidated me. The dates behind them said Jan. 5, 1921, May 25, 1946 and 10/11/1972. With tears in my eyes, I placed my own picture with pigtails and the date 2005-03-31. With heavy tears resting on the corners of my eyes, I continue to rummage through every pocket and every crack. What I retrieved surprised me and gave me hope more than anything else. I found a ‘the Beatles’ concert ticket, I found a receipt for a milkshake in a restaurant somewhere out of town, a ‘Tempura’ candy wrapper, a 1 Peso coin, I found a folded note saying “thought you might like the gift! Xoxo- T” which I guess stands for Ted, my grandpa. I found a coupon for 20% off a bike basket that’s apparently available in all colors, and I found a photo booth picture strip in black and white of a couple holding cotton candy and making silly faces whom I assumed to be my great-grandparents. I held all these in my hands, the faint smell of candy and flowers lingering in the air, and when I thought this was all there is, a torn piece of notebook paper fell from an exterior pocket and landed softly on my feet.

I picked it up, saw scribbles of blue ink and through the untidy penmanship, I read “It was rayning and mama woudnt let me go outsyd so I droo thes picture of a raynboh and made mama smyle =D”

The tears flooded and escaped my eyes at this moment. The wallet fell on the ground as I reduced into tears on the wooden floor.

This wallet, how could I have ever not wanted this wallet? After the loss and the lack of the scent of her hair, I thought I would get lost. And now this re-enters my life and gives me a part of what their everyday lives were like. Pieces of life and don’t even get me started on the memories packed into each one. Lost whispers never to be recalled again in existence.

They say people die twice: once when the heart stops beating and a second time when their names are uttered for the last time. My mama may be gone, but her soul and that of my grandma and great-grandpa, lies in this wallet forever. In their short time on Earth, they managed to touch another’s life years after theirs ended. This wallet remains as a mark of their legends and even though it doesn’t seem significant to you, it warms me as a human being and that’s enough to make it special.

I hurry to my room and fetch my own wallet, hastily transfer all the contents into the old leather one and everywhere I go, I keep a piece of past lives tangled with my present one all the time.